Pride
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Pride for the LGBTQ community pride month exists to celebrate joy, success, happiness it's about celebrating the fact that yes we are queer we are bi we are gay or trans but mostly we are human we all want the same rights as anyone else who is straight. we want to be able to love who we love and share it proudly. SVU will stop at nothing to protect that right other want to away.
1. Chapter 1

" **A/N, I own not a soul name or property of Law and Order SVU all that glory goes to Dick Wolf and NBC. I do own the idea for this fic though so that makes me kind of cool right? Song lyrics belong to Selena Gomez Hit the lights. This is set in the current season 18 however Jesse does not exist."**

 **Pride**

 **Amanda**

" _ **It's the boy you never told I like you,  
It's the girl you let get away.  
It's the one you saw that day on the train,  
But you freaked out and walked away"**_

Her hands slipped around my waist as I shock my hips moving my arms. Along with the rest of my body to the beat of the song currently blasting from every speaker in the club. My eyes were currently locked with the young men dancing provocatively inches away from my right side.

The young man I estimated to be around 22 maybe 25 was now grinding against me as another young man did the same to him. Smiling seductively at him, I took a good look at him he was tall quick calculation told me 5'8 at least. Gorgeous green eyes from the brief moment I could see in them between the natural darkness of the club the sweaty bodies pressing against each other, the blur of raised hands. His hair or lack of hair was all in the middle of his head in the shape of a pink Mohawk. Two earrings in his left ear, an eyebrow ring also on his left side. Tight black leather pants accenting all his major parts, his chest was covered in so many shades of glitter he looked like a unicorn had thrown up on him, a leather vest hung open showing off his gorgeous toned abs, chest and nipples.

The other young man didn't even bother with a shirt both nipples pierced his blue eyes smiled at me but they didn't linger on my body they did however dance almost hungrily over the Mohawk dude. His jeans were sliver yet they didn't cling to him they hung loosely showing off his boxers. However it wasn't nasty it actually looked hot. His Brown hair was gelled back spiked up. Neither were the ones I was looking for yet I offered them a flirty smile twirling pushing my body closer to their hard-ons.

Their hands glided over my shoulders as I felt them press against me, a small moan escaped my lips as I threw my head back, allowing them to trail their eager hands down my sides.

" _ **It's the plane you wanna catch to Vegas  
Things you swear you'll do before you die  
It's the city you love that waits for you  
But you're too damn scared to fly" **_

I didn't need an audience to dance. I didn't need lyrics cheers or even a reason just give me a rhythm, forget it. I was done. Tonight I needed to let loose stop over thinking everything.

The world could be so nasty people falling from grace taking innocent souls down with them leaving the police to clean up their mess. The stress had been eating at me for weeks small pieces dying each day. My vices of dealing had always been self destructive more so after moving here to New York City though. Now I was in such a hole with gambling debts almost losing my job, life, self respect. I had to get clean I loved my job I wanted back into Liv's trust so I was focused on staying clean. Drinking had left me no better, smoking didn't do it for me. So I turned to dancing something I use to love back in Atlanta.

Over the last few months it's become my savior so tonight after the last few cases I needed this more than ever. I felt one of the men grab me spinning me so I was facing him now, shaking my hips. I shimmered someone smacked my butt, I never saw who just a mess of flying arms, drinks laughter as the neon lights swirled.

Looking to my left I saw a flash of long black hair flying as a woman in a rainbow dress that clung to all her amazing curves made her way into our little group. She was elegant I could smell her French fragrance leaving me weak in my knees. Her hands were on me suddenly as she pushed away the shirtless dude. Now she was against me, the softness of her baby skin made me melt into her arms as she whispered into my ear. " _What's your name baby? You are looking delicious"_ My eyes literally rolled in the back of my head oh god that was so lame yet her eyes were so clear so beautiful that I felt myself melting slipping into her arms. Her lips looked so plump juicy like two right cherries waiting to be sucked on their juices begging to be devoured by my lips. She sure knew how to put on a show, I guess she was use to this life to making it look real.

" _My name is Moon, what's yours precious?" "Eleanor you can call me Len as long as you dance with me sexy"_ I willingly took her hand as she slipped back into the crowd which parted for her. I felt the wetness of someone popping open a bottle of champagne which rained down on me. She could move there was no mistaken her for inexperienced no this gorgeous creature obliviously spent her nights in all of the hottest night clubs across the world.

Hand in hand we started dancing swaying our hips criss crossing twirling twisting low to the floor. People were watching us as we let ourselves flow, I felt free. I always loved dancing when I am on the floor it's like everything else stops existing. I feel no pain no shame it's just me the beat my feet moving. The clapping & cheering whistles got me even more into it.

I felt myself getting to that place the zone where I am floating on a high that no drug, booze could ever get me. I feel connected to my body in a way that even making love could never make me feel. It's freedom it's expression it's my art my therapy. It's not about perfection it's about having a damn good time not caring how I look, sound. I feel beautiful when I am sweating grinding flying to a beat.

Not to brag but damn did I look hot as fire tonight my little black skirt was clinging to my ass, stopping just below. My flat stomach was being shown in all it's toned skinny glory as my black/ sliver halter top which criss crossed across my breasts hung open flowing free like a train.

We were moving in sync as we did a series of quick ball changes slides, dips, our arms moved in quick light moves as our bodies popped, rubbing against each other our eyes locked. I felt lost for a minute everything was such a haze.

" _ **Hit the lights, let the music move you  
Lose yourself tonight, come alive  
Let the moment take you, lose control tonight"  
**_

Our faces slowly moving closer her breath a mixture of mint and tequila neither ever smelled so damn appealing to me as they did in that very moment. Her right hand slid across my waist our bodies never stopped moving. My eyes closed my breath became thinner the softness of her wet strawberry lips captured me.

" _ **Hit the lights, let the music move you  
Lose yourself tonight, come alive  
Let the moment take you, lose control tonight" **_

She's thunder I am lighting and damn this kiss was magic. It came naturally our arms wrapped around each other's necks our kiss deepening. Sparks flew as our legs stumbled she grabbed me hands eagerly ripping at each other's clothes, we needed privacy. " _Excuse me what the hell do you think your doing?"_

Suddenly I was spinning I couldn't focus till my eyes landed on her swallowing. I felt my mouth go dry. There she was looking fucking perfect in that form fitting gold/ dress.

Her hair freshly dyed a light golden brown matching the sparkle of her gorgeous hazel eyes. " _The only lips yours better be kissing is these, get over here you need to be punished"_ Smiling like a lunatic I arched an eyebrow. Olivia Amelia Benson you wanted to play you better be ready to play hard ball cause I was in my zone.

" _ **It's the time that you totally screwed up  
Still you're trying get it out your brain  
It's the fight you had when you didn't make up  
It's the past that you're dying to change"**_

The music changed now a slower song came on damn she was saved extending my hand, I walked slowly towards a free space in the now clearer dance floor. Most people had taken a break to grab a drink chat with friends or sit down a few. The dance floor was now filled with couples or close friends who didn't mind sharing a dance. Her arms slipped around my waist pulling me close, a slow smile still formed on my lips as my eyes ravished the sight in front of me. The way her hips felt pressed against mine the sheer chills they sent cascading up my spine as I rested my head on her shoulders.

Is this called romance? Is this lust? Is it a part of the haze dance leaves me in? I honestly couldn't tell you. All I know is that it feels right no amazing no perfect. My sense of smell picked up on her light perfume Chanel Eau Tendre. Intoxicating waves of pleasure rode me as our bodies moved in perfect timing.

This had been my dream now for five years to be this close to Liv to have her hold me fight for me, to have her lips trailing down kisses on my neck so softly so full of passion as they were now. To hear her whisper these words into my ear. " _Heaven isn't in the sky it's in front of my eyes damn baby why would you lead me on tease me, you know what that does to me"_ I never looked up I couldn't. I was afraid if I did this moment would come to an end so I softly replied. " _I know darlin' that's why I did it, I want you to remember me when we're apart. I want you to think about what your missing, crave my sweetness, ache for my toned stomach so your lips could miss suckin' on my ribs"_ I could feel her heartbeat so strong so steady was she thinking about me? Was I getting to her? The way I was thinking about her? Did she even know just how at home I felt wrapped in her amazing embrace swaying to the song.

" _ **I was blinded by the city lights  
LA livin' up the crazy life  
Lookin' back on how far I'd come**_

 _ **Not quite sure what I was runnin' from**_

 _ **A million miles away from the world I knew  
Who'd ever thought it'd lead me back to you..."**_

She makes me think of the miracle of life the precious moments that most people take for granted a shared laugh a wink a smile they all have new meaning when she is the giver. I never noticed her hands roaming till they rested on my butt.

Sliding my own hands across her back I rested them on the small of it. Most of the time my world is so dark. I can't find a ray of light yet when she's around she steals all the darkness away, I don't feel the constant, fear, loneliness.

" _ **You take me to county fairs  
Bedtime prayers  
Old wooden rockin' chairs  
And all the things I loved I thought were gone  
You take me home  
You take me home"  
**_

She's my beat she is the reason I dance, breathe, laugh, smile why I don't shed a tear. She's comfort. " _I see you checking me out like what you see?"_

She spun me dipping me I felt the dizziness, I embraced it as she pulled me up my body slamming against hers. In a heated moment our lips collided hers dominating for control, which I gladly gave permission to.

Legs giving out she pushed me back towards the wall I felt like I would pass out our kiss deepened becoming wetter hotter my lips felt like someone had taken a hot rod and branded them. I gasped into her mouth which became a moan, her arms supported me slamming my back against the wall, air sweet air her lips trailed down my shoulders.

I was lost in her kiss her eyes, touch, smell, desire, passion, dreams all melting into one. My back ached from the hardness of the wall, she had no idea how a simple kiss sent me miles away. " _Oh my god"_ The words slipped out as I felt her hands under my shirt, the ties around my neck coming loose. The tiny hairs on my legs stood at statue mode as she pushed my legs apart her knee pinning me back against the wall. Butterflies flew round and round in my stomach anxious awaiting the anticipation testing their little wings.

Maybe I am a fool to believe that the great sexy bad-ass Olivia Benson could ever really love me. As soon as she kisses me however I can't help it I fall in love all over again, I know it's stupid I know I will end up hurting all over again. I lose all common sense no one else could fill me with such hope, happiness, passion, desire. I never thought I would ever fall in love again not after Abella Hope. Olivia is the only one I could ever see myself settling down with raising a family having that American Dream of a house with a fence a swing set in the backyard Sunday BBQ's with friends and family.

My hands grab at her hair pulling her up so her eyes stare into mine with shock, pleasure and naughtiness. She had no idea what I am capable of. I will gladly show her, she takes my breath away, I could never love someone as hard as I love Olivia, I could never trust anyone except her.

" _10-10 Benson and Rollins look to your stage left"_

Just like that she left me standing there almost topless panting shocked alone and so damn cold. Shaking so bad my legs gave out, tears I didn't even know I had been holding sneaked out. Angrily I brushed them away my chest aching as I watched her sprint away after the suspect.

There's also no one in this world who I could ever cry so damn hard over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Amanda**

Sometimes you don't need words to know how someone is feeling what the are thinking. If anyone could of seen into my raw wounded eyes for that split second they would of seen the depression as my heart shattered.

I gathered myself quickly though reminding myself it wasn't her fault she was playing her role. I was the one who was stupid enough foolish enough to get lost in mine.

" _Rollins do you copy me? Can you hear me?"_

I watched as my hope dashed into the heart of the once again packed dance floor. Deep breath answer Fin before you blow this whole operation. " _10-4 Fin Suspect is on the move I'm going in"_ I tried to focus but the neon lights were even brighter with the build up of tears that I couldn't seem to shake off. I was slammed against body after body my legs still not steady. She had messed me up again, I had no idea if I would be able to recover.

Everyone was so hyped up on booze, love, energy all going hard to showcase their pride in the midst of New York Cities month long Pride event. Tight dresses on boys and girls, baggy jeans, leather, bondage neon colors glitter makeup nothing was off limits.

I was smacked several times kicked at almost punched as I fought my way through the crowd finally spotting Liv's hair. I saw him hauling ass towards the stage shit he couldn't get to the stage.

Ducking I slide under the crowd careful to watch out for the feet finally I got a good advantage. Just as I was about to grab his arm I felt my feet torn from their ground. Hands grabbed me as I looked up to see Liv holding me she didn't speak. I wouldn't of heard her if she had. I followed her eyes seeing the guy we had been chasing reach out grabbing Eleanor's hand. She was dancing wildly laughing smoking a joint as she was surrounded by four or five men and women. Sighing I turned away he wasn't our guy his name was Jasper he was one of her security details for this evening.

Liv was back to playing our parts but I was exhausted now ready to call it a night. She wouldn't let me without words she dragged me to the center of the floor. I just wanted a bottle of tequila and a dark corner to crawl into so I could cry into the bottle. Feeling her pick my chin up I know she was trying to connect I know I was being selfish, this wasn't her fault not at all.

She had no idea that while she was playing a role, I was doing everything I could so I wouldn't drown in my deepest darkest secret yet.

" _Will catch this bastard babe than we can go back to our normal lives"_ Normal? She had no idea that her idea of normal was my worst nightmare. This right here in her arms dancing kissing this was the only way I wanted it to be.

I needed a break so I pushed her away yet she held onto my hand forcing me dragging me with her. I was so blinded by all of my pain I didn't even see the hand that came in front of me till it was smacking me across the face the words coming at me hurting worse than the physical attack " _Dykes Must die"_

Who said that? Who's hand hit me? I spun in every direction yet I saw no one standing out just the same scene as I had seen for the last three hours, bodies dancing neon lights. Too many people I had no idea where it came from. Hot tears burned at the back of my throat as I shoved my way through the crowd. Slamming my body into a VIP seat I fought against the urge to punch someone to break down and cry. Liv had no idea what had just happened. I should tell her that had to be our guy yet the words died on my lips as I saw her sitting by me, looking so well perfect, not at all like she is in the office stiff professional no here she was relaxed laughing at the woman on her right, wait was she flirting? Did she just flip back her hair?

Pull yourself together Rollins. "Dykes must die" the words hit me with such force I couldn't stop the tears from falling hold yourself strong Rollins you can't fall apart now. I scanned the crowd looking for the coward that uttered those words. All around me I saw people just being who they are laughing twirling dancing drinking kissing hugging people just being happy. Loving themselves each other, yet somewhere out there was a sick pervert who wanted to stop them from being themselves. Where was he hiding?

People like him made me sick who was he to judge me? Their hatred judgment, cockiness scared me deeply. The fear made me angry what right did they have to make me feel afraid? I was no different than them I wasn't a freak, I was just as decent as a human being as someone who identified as straight what did me being a Lesbian have anything to do to determine how I was treated why my rights were any less valuable.

" _Hey baby relax your so tense"_ Her hands worked my shoulders trying to massage them she meant well, I knew she did. That's why I didn't stop her when she leaned in kissing me.

Even though I knew that in the end I would be left broken again. I opened my mouth wide allowing her deeper access as her hands pushed me down on to the bench, my breath catches as I close my eyes staring up at the ceiling. Don't think about it Rollins just allow her to do what she wants she'll be no different than any other one night stand.

Except she was she is and she always will be no matter how hard I pretend. She's pulling me up before I can ever blink her hands caressing my face now searching shit she knows something is off, she's pulling me closer hugging me tightly whispering in my ear. " _Pull yourself together Rollins people will start to tell that your not into this, if you blow this your fired"_

That snapped my attention back to reality fired! I felt sick my whole body was shaking she just threatened me, except she doesn't do threats she makes promises.

This must be how someone with a mental illness feels without Meds off balance, scared, alone, shaken, unloved, dirty, hopeless. Maybe I am bipolar.

No it can't be deep breath Rollins deep breath you can do this I felt her press a glass into my hand, looking down expecting to see water I felt my lips curl into a smile as she gave me a glass of brandy. Raising it to her glass of beer I drowned it the harshness made me come back down.

" _ **Raise Your Glass**_

 _ **Show me love, if your proud**_

 _ **Living life free, living life without fear**_

 _ **People like us we've gotta stick together  
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever  
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten  
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom"**_

 **Lyrics to People like us belong to Kelly Clarkson and her management I tweaked them a bit. _  
_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Amanda**

I had to focus I had to stay calm not lose myself this time. I owed it to our victims. Red hot pulsing anger blinded by white lights my eyes still couldn't shake the images like sirens repeating. My mind was racing almost as fast as my heart, Liv's hands were on my back rubbing it. I was afraid that's what it was, I was desperately afraid. Everyday you hear about another name, another victim, added to the rapidly growing list of hate crimes committed against a member of the LGBTQ Community.

Devastation, desolation, fear grief it all came to life Last Sunday Morning June 12th at 2 am in Orlando Florida at Pulse Nightclub. Omar Mateen approached the building on foot, armed with a SIG Saucer, MCX Semi Automatic rifle and a 9mm Glock 17 semi automatic pistol.

He than began what is now the deadliest attack on American soil since 911. To everyone else it was a brutal awakening to us however to to anyone identifying as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Agender, Pansexual, Bigender, skoliosexual, all of us in the LGBTQ community it was another reminder of our brutal reality where everyday we are targeted, judged hated by those who fear us because of who we love.

Just going to a club to send time with friends to laugh, drink and dance even that has now become a place where we must be afraid. Monday the day after 53 people were shot and 49 died inside the nightclub in Orlando right here in New York City in this nightclub that I am sitting in now Lyrical Pride, became the target of a scandal.

Angel Topaz a 22 year old woman set to kick off this weeks pride celebration shows was sent a message in her dressing room. Angel is a beautiful funny proud woman of Latina heritage. She's the oldest of her family born to her mom Martinez, father Daniel both hard working middle class Americans who came here from Puerto Rico in 1992. Daniel in listed in the army while Martinez who was only 18 got into NYC for fashion design. Two years later they married welcoming their first child a son Angel followed five years later by his sister Angie, than three years later their brother Mark.

Angel grew up knowing he was different but could never figure out why he liked to dress in his moms clothes, wear her makeup, read fashion magazine loved Madonna and Cher, playing with Barbie.

Yet he loved baseball, football, wrestling. He liked wearing his hair long, getting it cut was torture for him he felt like an alien in his own body.

School was hell for him, he was bullied endless called every cruel name the kids could think of.

Angel was ten when he looked on line and found a video about a young man who came out as Transgender. Everything clicked for her than she knew what she was and she wasn't feeling so alone anymore, from that moment on Angel made a commitment to stand up for who she is.

She found comfort in music started to write her feelings down in the form of songs, she took piano, guitar lessons and dance. Angel started the long transition process at 16. She's been a regular here since she was 18 one of the biggest acts in the lgbt community in NYC selling out shows wherever she preforms.

Monday was no different she was the opening act planning to do a tribute to the pulse victims. Hours before she was set to go on stage she received a message at her home which said " _Hate conquers all if you go on tonight tranny you will regret it"_ As an activist she was use to getting hate mail so she ignored it.

Ten minutes after she came off stage she was grabbed shoved into the bathroom. Her attacker locked the door beat her slammed her head against the sink raped her than strung her up by a hook on the back of the door. Spray painting on the bathroom walls. " _ **Queers you ma**_ _ **d**_ _ **e your choice now god has sent me to f*** you straight"**_ __Angel was found twenty minutes later when the bartender broke down the door, the attacker had fled jumping out the window.

She's in a coma now the video footage outside the bathroom was grainy at best giving us very little information. However Tuesday night we got one break from our next victim 17 year old Bexley Bea nicknamed BB the daughter of Mariska Bea the founder of Love Speaks Louder an organization devoted to promoting tolerance and acceptance for LGBT youths in schools. BB was set to preform with friends from her high school GSA at the club.

When she woke up that morning she found a note attached to her morning paper " _ **Chose wisely dyke the wrong chose maybe your last chose you ever make"**_ While she was shaken by it she knew emotions were running high in the city kids liked to play pranks on her so she ignored it.

Walking home that night she was hit over the head with a metal pipe dragged into an alley stripped, raped for hours, the wall spray painted with the same message.

" _ **Queers you ma**_ _ **d**_ _ **e your choice now god has sent me to f*** you straight"**_

BB lived yet she's so traumatized she refuses to speak to us. " _Rollins"_ She whispered into my ear. I couldn't answer her my eyes were watching Eleanor dancing on a table laughing she was so free so happy as she grabbed the hand of another woman dancing sexy with her. I wanted to be that free but I felt trapped. Drowning the last drop I signaled for the waitress to bring me another. I shouldn't my head was already so fuzzy, I felt Liv watching me. Music pumping so loud closing my eyes I tried to will the images of last night out of my head.

" _ **So many**_ _ **dreams**_ _ **were**_ _ **broken**_ _ **and so much was**_ _ **sacrificed**_

 _ **Was it**_ _ **worth**_ _ **the ones we**_ _ **loved**_ _ **and had to**_ _ **leave**_ __ _ **behind**_ _ **?**_ _**So many**_ _ **years**_ _ **have past, who are the**_ _ **noble**_ _ **and the wise?**_ _**Will all our sins be**_ _ **justified**_ _ **?"**_ Her name was Effie Gomez she was 20 years old the daughter of Hector Gomez a director for NBC productions, her mom was Maureen Gomez a Prima Ballerina with the NYC Ballet. Effie was a regular performer here someone who I had gotten to know well over the last six months. I was a braids maid at her wedding here she married her high school sweetheart Juliet Sivan their wedding was on every major TV channel magazine cover. Effie was use to growing up in the spotlight she took dance lessons since she was two taught herself the guitar and piano, she modeled as a child but music was her passion. She worked her butt off to get into the Julliard School for music which she did she was a Junior starting this school year. She came to terms with her sexuality when she was 16 it wasn't an easy ride her parents disowned her so she clung to her girlfriend, her dreams. Three hours before she went on to the stage last night she received a message _**"Back out now Dyke or the last song will be your final song"**_ She never reported it out of fear she wouldn't be believed or would be and the show would be stopped. She truly believed the show must go on. You can't fight hate without people willing to challenge it. After she was done with the first set she went to change someone was waiting for her in her dressing room however. He gagged her tied her to a table raped her beat her, than used a knife to crave into her skin _ **"Dykes Must Die"**_ He shot her. Myself and a few or our friends got worried when she didn't come back out right away so we went to check on her, that's how we found her. No one knows what I do for a living here I don't even use my real name to everyone here I am Mandy no last name. No one at the office knows I am gay, or that I come here as a regular. When I found her I knew she wouldn't make it so I told her who I was what I did for a living she told me everything that happened as I held her hand while Jonah called 911. I promised her we would get these bastards, she died awaiting for help to arrive. Her name was Effie she was 20 she was beautiful she was talented she was proud of who she was a strong, fierce woman who could do 10 pirouettes in seconds, she could throw further than her brothers, run faster than most guys. She was a romantic she was a dreamer, a lover, a free thinker she was a Lesbian she was happily married she was many things. BB is a straight A student who loves music, cooking, spending time with friends. Bowling is her favorite pass time she's smart already has early acceptance into the Manhattan School of Music. BB started dating one of her classmates Hayes Barton when they were 15. Hayes is the daughter of NY senator Emily Barton. Hayes came out when she was 13 much to her mom's displeasure she studied every thing related to lgbt rights she was a fierce advocate for them attending rallies, protests, conferences. BB became her strongest ally in the fight against discrimination. Angel loves baseball, music, running writing spending time with her girlfriends hiking, she loves producing spending time with her dad having snowball fights, sipping hot chocolate, teaching her siblings how to ride a bike through NYC busiest streets. They all had their separate loves desires the two things they all had in common though were they were all rich in pride for who they are their culture their legacy. They were and are all human in need of love, support, peace and justice. It's my job to make sure they get Justice. So I knew what I needed to do drowning another glass I turned to Liv grabbing her arm she whipped her head around from where she was flirting with a woman dressed in a tight black dress with a gold belt, the dress split open at her breasts, her long flowing black hair twisted down her full figure. Liv looked shocked as I pulled her towards me glaring at the woman " _Sorry bitch she's mine"_ Crashing my lips against hers. **Lyrics used belong to Within Temptation.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Amanda**

Pulling her towards the dance floor our eyes both kept a close watch on the audience around us. It was getting closer to show time now since tonights show was all ages, the crowd had now become thicker the air thinner.

The older audience was now staying further back a mixture of twenties through forties even a few older men. I shudder thinking of my grandpa back home being in a club like this. Liv ran her hands up and down my arms as I leaned in closer. The front of the audience where we were now was made up of teenagers and younger kids. All screaming hyped up on energy, love. I found myself dancing between Liv, and two younger teens I was guessing maybe 16, 17 a young man with spiky blond hair highlighted in pink, purples his clothes were simple pink tights jeans and a black band t-shirt.

The girl was gorgeous long blond hair a tight pink bodice that had Love writing across her nice chest. Damn Rollins get your head right she's too young. Her shorts were Grey clinging to her. She also was wearing a knitted rainbow cap with her name across the front Maya. Pink stripes went down her hair.

Liv took my hand swinging me slightly my butt accidentally hitting Maya who grinned smacking mine. Suddenly the air became electric canons went off filled with glitter as the screams, cheers, whistles intensified. Looking up as I felt Maya grab my shoulders somehow lifting herself up on my back which took all my strength of my legs not to collapse. Liv thank god was there to hold me up catch me. Maya was screaming loudly chanting " _Soar! Soar!"_

Smiling towards her I checked her out I couldn't help it. She reminded me of Kim as a teenager so full of life enthusiasm. My eyes locked on stage at the same time as Liv's. I hope Carisi and Fin were good backstage there was no way to communicate with them now. The screams were erupting louder with my velocity in each passing second. Clapping stomping all you could hear was " _We want Soar! We want Soar!" "Fly Fly Fly"_

Neon lights swept across the stage as a figure came swinging down from the ceiling. " _Eleanor is coming in hot"_ Fin spoke in my ear so that's who was coming down from the ceiling. The lights sparked on as she flipped down to the center of the stage. _"Good Evening NEW York!_ W _ho's ready to rock?"_ Eleanor now had on a totally different outfit pink tight spandex shorts with a rainbow on her butt saying acceptance bitches. Her chest was covered in a Diamond encrusted bra that sparked with the neon lights hitting it.

" _I know I am not the one your all here to see but I do wanna say a few things First of all I want to introduce myself I am Eleanor Alexandra Henstridge Princess Eleanor to all of you bitches, I am a Taurus, I live in the UK as you could tell by my accent which is sexy as hell, I know_ She winked _I am the daughter of Queen Helena and our late great King Simon."_

" _I love music I love it so much that even though my Mum said I was too young. I learned to play the piano by myself when I was eight. I practiced so much and I was baaad that she finally recanted getting me the best teacher in the UK, I want to thank him now Christin Tristan CT you are fabulous. It's because of you I learned patience love, acceptance and have kick ass pianist skills. Chris was the first person who I knew was openly gay he's proud he's strong, he loves what he does. I was ten when he suggested I take up guitar my mum was also against that._ _T_ _oo much racket kids should be seen not heard, well CT believed differently he believed kids had the power to be great to be powerful he believed kids should not only be heard but to be heard loud too be proud of who they are, he took me to his home he taught me by himself without payment without any expectations of payback he did it because she loved kids and he loved music._ _I was rubbish but he told me I was amazing because I loved it, he taught me you don't have to be perfect to be beautiful you just have to be true to who you are"_

" _CT taught me to play every instrument out there but the most important one he taught me from the time I was eleven was my voice, as a kid believe it or not I was shy so painfully shy I use to cry when I had to meet new people, I was always pushed into situations I wasn't comfortable in, I was told to dress pretty smile big Eleanor the people are watching the people are waiting to see what you will do how you will act, Princesses are proper young ladies, I was afraid all of the time to make a mistake, to not be the perfect little girl that my parents wanted me to be, the perfect little sisters my brothers expected me to be. So I kept quite I buried myself in music, it was my expressions my freedom._

" _I knew since I was 15 that I was bisexual I never judged anyone by their body part, I saw them for who they are inside, yet I was never given the same treatment people used me to get what they wanted money, fame, power, so I started using drugs, I drank I partied too hard, they became my vices music took a backseat, I mean it's not like I had any real hope of doing something with it. I was Royalty my future was planned before I was born, I had no say in it. They say scars make us who we are well I have a whole battle field on my arm in my heart._ _Last year my brother was murdered as you know the world watched with sadness pity waiting for me to crack so I did, I slipped hard I dropped out of university,_ _my parting took on a new life, I was dubbed the party princess, the crack whore, my mum and I never were close this drove a new wedge between us."_

" _My dad tried yet I was in so much pain knowing he'd never accept me if he knew the truth I shut him out, than he too was murdered his last words to me were_ _i_ _t breaks my heart to say it "Eleanor but I am disappointed in you." He was right to be disappointed in me, I had power to do greatness to really make a positive change. I threw it all away, but that's done now."_

" _Three months ago CT my former music teacher my friend my mentor was brutally hunted down outside his school by a father of one of his students who blamed him because his son came out to him, he couldn't accept that his own son was gay, so he killed CT in an act of cowardly_ _justice as he called it, I call it murder I am sick to death of watching the people I love and respect being gunned down for some sick act of fear, intolerance it needs to stop."_

" _I never got to make my dad proud,_ _I never got to show him I am more than a zoo animal._ _I never got to thank CT for showing me that I have the most powerful instrument ever, my voice. My brother Robert he was a great man he would've of made an amazing king. I can never be Robert but I can be me, I can take my power use my voice. I am tired of suffering in silence, I am here today to make it known that even though I am young, I am powerful. I love the people of my kingdom of my community._ _T_ _he LGBT community is filled with the most loving,_ _talented, creative, smartest_ _accepting individuals out there. We deserve to be treated as equals, we deserve the same rights to be free to laugh to dance to marry, have families as any of our straights friends. No one has the power to make us feel ashamed or afraid unless we let them."_

" _My grandmum yet another person who betrayed me once told me if your going to take a stance do it for the right reason I can't think of a righter reason so_ _I am done letting them, I know I am not alone, so in honor of CT in honor of the 49 people who lost their lives Sunday in Orlando help me welcome my beautiful courages girlfriend Saoirse O'Ryan she's only 19 yet she has already changed the way Ireland has addressed Homosexuality in their schools. Now she's here_ _with her sisters who separately are four amazing beautiful strong woman Rionach 35, Siobhan 29 and Aoife 22 and their brother Riley Saoirse's twin together they are unstoppable their here_ _to help America continue their fight against the injustice. Please give the_ _m_ _hugest welcome!"_

Movement out of the corner of my left eye caught my attention, Liv saw the same shadowy figure as I did I heard her radio to Fin just as the guy jumped the barrier heading to the stage as he reached into his pocket pulling something out. " _He has a gun Liv"_


	5. Chapter 5

**Amanda**

" _Princess Get down!"_

" _Don't shoot me I mean no harm!"_ Came the rasped plead from the suspect now kneeling on the stage in front of Princess Eleanor who had ignored all warnings to get down instead stood frozen on stage with this man no boy kneeling in front of her panting. Fear evident across his face.

Her security was there before us thankfully avoiding us blowing our cover. " _Who are you?"_ One of her guards I believe his name was Jasper the one who I saw grab her earlier spoke harshly to the suspect. " _What do you want with our princess?"_ All eyes were on him as he was grabbed by another security guard frisked revealing only a flag that was a combination of the British flag mixed with the lgbtq one that he was about to pull out of his pocket. Sighs of relief flooded through us as Eleanor grinned coming up closer despite our protests. " _I only wanted to give her this I made it"_ Now I heard he had an English accent, grabbing the flag I saw her smile brighten, suddenly she leaned forward kissing his check. " _Aw how sweet baby thank you,_ Turning to th crowd she shouted out _this right here is love folks I hold this flag proudly as a symbol of pride, Pride for my great country Britain, and for my community LGBTQ"_ _"Now lets get this thing started! Welcome Soar to the stage!"_

Eleanor grabbed the young man bringing him further on stage Liv and I looked at each other before rejoining the crowd again, Maya and her friends were by our side instantly. Thankfully it was too loud for their questions which I knew they had since I could sense their looks.

Saoirse Legacy O'Ryan came running out with her three sisters Siobhan, Aoife, Rionach who make up the group Soar. Waving to the crowd who went insane. I was shoved Maya was hitting me on my head her nails scrapping my face as I tried to keep her from getting stomped by the mass that was now all shoving forward. Liv somehow manged to keep her bearings grabbing me.

Saoirse was beautiful there was no denying that the lights didn't so her justice as she strolled across the stage. Her shiny black jeans glittering in the neon colors, her bra a black/pink leather rime stone show casing her amazing C cup all four wore the same outfit yet she seemed to glow among them, they were all gorgeous still there was just something about Saoirse. She was holding a mic as she came up extending her arms to Eleanor they hugged tightly before sharing a kiss which sent the audience into a mini frenzy.

As trained cops instantly Liv and I scanned the room for anyone who might attack, yet nothing popped out of the room. It was too early to breathe a sigh of relief though. Both of us were still jumpy from this near attack.

He was here I knew that just like I knew this was far from over. Saoirse had done something different than the rest of the girls, when she woke up this morning going to her car a bomb had gone off inches from her getting into the SUV she looked up she saw the wall had been spray-painted with this message. _**"Fame can't save you**_ _ **Dyke**_ _ **Hell is coming for you"**_ She came to us shortly after. She doesn't want fear to control her life.

This is __how Liv and I come into the picture, Dobbs made the decision that Liv, I would go undercover starting tonight. We were whisked away from our lives, Noah was sent to live with Lucy and a 24/7 police unit while we work. I know it killed her to say goodbye to her son, yet she's the most dedicated professional woman I know. She kissed his check as she talked to him sung to him. Promising him she was going to make the world a safer place for him.

I know she would accept Noah if he came to her in fourteen years and said Mom I'm gay. Yet somehow I still can't bring myself to tell her I am, it's not like we have a great relationship. She doesn't trust me if she knew I was here last night as a club goer than she would know I have been lying all these years to her. How would she trust me than?

The music started loud and energetic helping me loosen myself up what really helped was when Maya jumped off my back taking my hand, dancing with me. No not me my alter ego right now Moon Shire Lee 22 years old who recently moved here from Cummins Georgia. She was discovered last week by

Saoirse who's family owns Skyline Records. Saoirse is testing moon tonight to see how the crowd reacts to her. Moon is dating Deborah Liv's cover name one of Skyline's talents scouts.

I was beyond nervous I hadn't preformed in front of anyone since leaving Georgia Five years ago. As far as I knew none of my squad even knew I was into singing. Hell Fin even told me years ago I had a horrible voice course I was wasted and singing to some talent show on Tv.

" _Thank you everyone oh my god you are all so amazing I am so honored to be here, So I know you will all help me welcome a close friend of mine who's making her debut here tonight. She is simply amazing beautiful inside and out, her name is Moon Shire she is sing_ _ing_ _her first single "Gone No_ _t_ _Forgotten" lets give it up for Moon Shire"_

Wait that was me oh dear my legs felt shaky I was dizzy with nerves. Liv was right by my side. She pressed her lips against mine in a dizzying breathtaking kiss. Before shoving me up stage. Eleanor handed me a Mic as she kissed my check slapping my butt.

Saoirse hugged me whispering to me to just breathe I would be amazing. Than she kissed me on my lips, okay so if I didn't have a job to do I might of fainted. She is beautiful her lips were so soft so delicious. Yet I did have a job to do so I smiled squeezing her arm as I took the Mic facing the crowd praying no one recognized me. " _Thank you Saoirse you are too kind_ I made sure my southern drawl was thicker than normal. _I am the one honored to be in your presence girl you are too humble too darn talented. I must admit I am slightly nervous to be here, I've kept my sexuality a secret for many years see down south it's still hush hush many_ _god fearing_ _folks believe it's a sin to be openly gay to be proud of who you are._ _S_ _o I got use to being in the closet, I am here because_ _my beautiful girlfriend Deborah_ _believ_ _es_ _in me she showed me love acceptance and how beautiful this world is when you open yourself up. I want to dedicate my song to all the victims who didn't have the chance to be accepted to be loved for who they are. You shouldn't have to go to heaven to get acceptance"_

Swallowing I tried to will myself to go to that place where I always felt safe as a kid. Singing always gave me a purpose when my world was shaky I knew I could get lost in a good song, I would run I would sing. Sometimes I ran so far I found myself in the middle of the woods just singing to the birds, trees furry animals.

Most folks thought I was a little off Mama called me a misfit, yet I couldn't help it music gave me love. Closing my eyes I waited for the instrumental to kick on. I thought back to Adella she was the one who knew what it felt like to be judged ousted by your own family, friends she got the love of music. A dance major she often got lost in music herself.

 _ **We weren't looking for the crown**_

 _ **Teenagers**_

 _ **Young in love in a forbidden world of No's**_

As I kept singing I started to feel myself loosen up working the crowd which seemed to be into me.

 _ **We were just looking for the promise of life**_

 _ **Time to learn time to laugh grow experience Heaven**_

 _ **So young with so many dreams**_

The music and maybe the booze a little got me to start to dance, clap. I saw lighters and cell phones all being used to illuminate the room as people swayed with me. __

_**I saw Heaven for the first time in your eyes**_

 _ **I never want to let that go**_

I found myself staring straight into Liv's eyes yet I manged to keep myself focused not fall apart. I willed her to feel my love understand my meaning. She smiled yet her eyes remained focused on the crowd.

 _ **I don't need Ivy gates in your eyes I am lost**_

 _ **I am whole I am who I am for your warmth made me feel like I belonged**_

 _ **Fear has lost it's grip cause in your kiss I am home**_

 _ **Chorus**_

 _ **You shouldn't have to be afraid to be in love**_

 _ **Living on hope, dreams, pride**_

 _ **That someday we will all be equal**_

 _ **Will we be denied?**_

 _ **Heaven isn't the only place where acceptance should be given without judgment.**_

 _ **Please remember me please whisper to your children**_

 _ **She was someone who inspired me.**_

 _ **Crave my name on your heart**_

By now my voice was really warmed up I was reaching notes I haven't reached in years. The sound ricocheting off the walls. I saw a few people crying as I kept going totally lost in my memories of Adella.

 _ **Life is a dream from which we all**_

 _ **Must wake before we can dream again**_

 _ **In your eyes in your arms I am home**_

 _ **Even when things are wrong I know you will make them right**_

 _ **Cause I've seen heaven in your eyes I felt heaven in your kiss**_

 _ **I know heaven exist love is equal in your eyes in your touch**_

 _ **I feel warmer for just knowing you touched my life**_

 _ **Even if it wasn't meant to be forever**_

 _ **I am warmer since you touched my heart**_

 _ **Two lost country girls searching for our place in the sun**_

 _ **Hoping for a kingdom as sweet as Heaven**_

 _ **When I look up at the stars I wonder if your staring down at me?**_

 _ **What would you say to me if we had one more moment together?**_

 _ **Will you tell me that you are proud of me**_

 _ **Would you tell me to give up the fight?**_

 _ **Would you laugh with me sing with me remember all our bittersweet memories?**_

 _ **Would you hold me kiss me tell me you love me?**_

 _ **You shouldn't have to be afraid to be in love**_

 _ **Living on hope dreams pride**_

 _ **That someday we will all be equal**_

 _ **Will we be denied?**_

 _ **Heaven isn't the only place where acceptance should be given without judgment.**_

 _ **Please remember me please whisper to your children**_

 _ **She was someone who inspired me.**_

 _ **Crave my name on your heart**_

 _ **Your gone but not forgotten**_

 _ **My rebel heart will beat in your memory fight for what you believed**_

 _ **You lifted me up you held me tight made me believe in justice, love, pride**_

 _ **Far beyond our southern world**_

 _ **Gone but not forgotten**_

 _ **Never Forgotten we will fight for your love**_

 _ **Forty- nine times and on we march**_

 _ **In love in pride for acceptance we carry on what you started"**_

As I restarted the chorus I was shocked to see everyone was singing with me, I fought back the tears of pride and sadness dancing with Soar clapping our hips touched slightly as Eleanor wrapped her right arm around me, her left around her girl. She was plastered no question yet she was happy laughing singing with us. All around me I saw nothing but faces filled with happiness, love and pride. Rionach was waving a huge LGBTQ flag above our heads as the canons filled with glitter shot off again.

I hoped against hope that no one would be selfish enough to try to take that away from us.


	6. Chapter 6

**Amanda**

" _What you did Eleanor was stupid reckless you could have been killed how many times do we have to tell you to let us handle things!"_ Jasper was almost yelling in her face. I noticed instantly how quickly her demur changed. " _How many times do I have to remind you Jasper that you are not my body guard nor are you my boyfriend so butt out and get out, Your Liam's detail your not needed or wanted here!"_ He opened his mouth to argue back when James another guard stepped forward motioning for him to leave.

Eleanor was pissed I could see the fumes coming from her mouth eyes, her whole face was beat red, fists clenched. " _Uh I am so sick of being told what to do who to do it with when I can do it damn it I am 20 years old!" "With all due respect Princess he has a point" "Not now James"_ She shot back as Saorise came over rubbing her back gentlyEleanor cranked her neck giving her better access. " _Relax baby I know your upset he was really only trying to protect you remember why we are here to start with, someone is out there someone who hates us who is trying to hurt us, he has a right to be afraid to be worried"_ She slowly kissed Eleanor's neck sliding her fingers down her arms lowering her dress slightly.

I felt Liv gently pat my arm motioning that she was heading upstairs for the night. I smiled weakly letting her know I would handle things down here she seemed to want to say something staring at me yet she chose to keep quite. Taking off my jacket I watched as Saoirse convinced Lenni to turn around lifting her chin up, I saw the fire in her eyes as she softly said to Saoirse _"He has no rights when it comes to my life he made his choices now I make mine, right now I chose to be here with you I do what I want when I want not what he says not what my mum says, right now baby I want to do you so quit talking lets get upstairs I am drunk horny and what I want I always get after all I am the mother fucking princess"_ Saoirse laughed as Lenni pressed her body against hers kissing her with such passion, my legs almost went out.

" _I get it Liberty"_ I smiled at her nickname for her which is really the true meaning of her name. " _I get the reason we are here, I do take it seriously babe if anybody would get to you to hurt you I would never forgive myself but this isn't about you he is doing this to show me that he controls things he makes all the choices, that isn't how I want to live my life, you know that he lost his right to make any decisions for me or my safety when slept with my mum, kept quite about Mandy's plan, Liam may trust him. I don't, I trust you though baby with my heart my soul and my body so lets get to making my body happy which in turn will make my heart happy"_

With that Saoirse took her hand winking at me as they ran upstairs to her room. I missed that feeling I ached for that feeling to be that important to someone, to kiss someone to feel their love pouring through their touch kiss. I guess for some people true love is just not in the cards, I wasn't going to put my money on it ever happening not with my gambling track record. Sighing I sunk down into the couch over looking the glittering city. This city was filled with so much hope, dreams, beauty yet the dark side that I saw often out weighed all the good. I suppose NYC is no different than love for some it held promises of everlasting while for others it was just one big dark windy road of teasing hope, false promises, broken hearts too many shed tears. Which road each person ended up on well that was the mystery of life. How each path was chosen was a mind game to someone, a sick twisted individual who I wish I could find just so I could beat the crap out of them lock them up throw away the key.

Life was not kind to me in many ways but this whole sick game of love that was the cruelest trick of all. Wasn't it fucked up enough that I was given such a rotten family, that I had to grow up in the south in the back woods of Loganville Ga part of Gwinnett County. Where everyone went to Church on Sunday, where all students went to one of three high schools all located close to the other. There was no secrets in a small town everyone knew everybody's business.

They all knew what happened as soon as it happened, I learned that early on life taught me quickly to become an amazing actress. I hated people knowing my business. I never wanted them to know yet they always did like when I was five years old, Pa had taken Kim and I to the local farmers market, I made sure Kim was playing with the other kids while Mrs. Wright watched them she was the Sunday school teacher. I followed Pa' I saw him kissing the lady who wasn't mama yet I knew to keep my mouth shut. I didn't want Mama's rage unfortunately not everyone knew how to mind their business. Mrs. Kerkins saw him she told Mrs. Jerkins who told Mrs. Lambert who told Miss. Heller who of course told Mama. She was waiting for us when we came home with a frying pan.

They fought for hours I know the neighbors heard the screaming the hitting the cursing yet no one came around, doors were locked windows shut. Mama was wild. The next day it was all over town of course.

There was also the time I was seven Mama was drunk in church ranting and raving about what a fool Pa was when the pastors tried to talk her down she started screaming at him saying he was the devil a liar just like all men.

Thank god this was before cell phones yet word of mouth was just as good as any ol' social media. I could feel the stares as I walked down the streets, I heard my friends mama's whispering, hell some of them said it outright to me calling my ma a hussy. A few even went as far as to tell me I would grow up to be just like her.

I was ten when I kicked Pa out sure enough it was all over town in minutes yet the story always got more twisted each time it was told. Sometimes I wonder why people have to tell anybody else's business what satisfaction does it give them? I also wondered that why no one ever stopped to ask the real question why would a ten year old little girl pick up a rifle point it at her Pa look him straight in the eyes telling him she'd shoot him in the balls if he didn't get the eff off their property.

After that well Mama she never thanked me she blamed me hit me told me over and over I was a bitch a whore a horrible rotten child. Kim was her baby doll I was trash. She brought in a string of men who beat her raped her used her as bad as Pa ever did some worse. Most of them didn't just settle for her though. They went after me they tried Kim I protected her, I learned early on love was for weak. When you loved someone you got hurt, I loved Kim which is why I protected her causing me to get the beatings, the sexual assaults, the nasty names. I loved Mama she never loved me back which lead me to have broken heart after broken heart. She wasn't there to braid my hair kiss my forehead when I skinned my knee, she didn't dry my tears when Bobby Joe broke my arm wrestling no she told Bobby Joe's ma that I was a liar who threw herself down the stairs to get attention. Bobby Joe's ma told Sue Q's Ma who told Mrs. Keefler that I threw myself in front of a car. There were so many stories passed around, even I sometimes had trouble remembering what was true.

Like who got Miranda Jane pregnant was it Mike D, Nick Cummins or Taylor Austin? Everyone had a different version the only thing we knew for sure was true was that Miranda Jane was 16 and pregnant. Therefor she was a hussy a tramp a whore. She was no longer just Miranda Jane high school Jr homecoming queen. No she was the local tramp now. Her friends even turned their backs on her whispered about her pointed laughed.

I saw how cruel they were first hand kids and grownups alike, all thinking that their judgment was justified that god was punishing the bad with teenage pregnancies for girls who dared to be inmate with boys, sickness like Aids for anyone who didn't obey by the command of man and woman. I watched while Jace Canyon one of my older classmates when I was ten and he was 13 was forced out by his parents in church because they caught him looking at an adult magazine featuring men.

He was humiliated publicly told to repent his sins or be prepared to go to hell where Sinners would burn for their refusal of atonement. The kids never stopped calling him names like fag, queer, arse bandit, batty boy, brownie boy, how they destroyed his personal belongings his spirit his love for school, life. I tried to reach out yet I was scared myself, I had no one to protect me. I didn't want to end up like him driven out of school out of town, even though I wanted out I knew I needed time to grow to learn to make a life a plan for myself.

I was a kid alone scared sweating everyday thinking about the fact that I knew I was different. I didn't look at boys the way Kim did giggle when a cute one winked at her, I didn't get turned on by a man in a muscle T or a boy singing to me. I did however almost melt when Brandi Jo the head cheerleader passed me in the hall the sweet scent of her shower gel lingering up my nostrils. I did blush when I saw that shower scene on MTV between Rionach O'Ryan and Sharon O' Neill on the hit show Shades Of Teens. I did fantasize about being that girl who got to kiss her. I knew what would be said about me if I would to admit to anybody what I thought how I felt.

I learned to be tough on my own. I learned to keep my mouth shut. I learned that love just wasn't for everyone. I watched while all my school mates had crushes, went on dates, kissed their boy friends girlfriends in public got teased by teachers for their hormones. I threw myself into school studying harder than the rest into being the perfect country girl. I learned to hunt fish, dance, flirt with cute boys even if I never felt anything for them, I read the bible, I went to Sunday school I prayed, I made the cheer-leading team, the dance team, I sang in choir, I played guitar, I stayed loyal to my family even when they used me, humiliated me. I played my part. I should win an academy award.

It all seemed to work I buried my pain in music. I played softball, soccer I lost myself in studying in dreaming of the day I would be free. Than it happened I was sixteen, she was seventeen. We had known each other our whole lives yet somehow we had never crossed paths until that day.

I had no idea that day would change my life yet she woke something inside of me, something I had gotten so damn good at burying. Adella was perfection in so many ways. She was beautiful smart focused talented a good girl a church girl, she was also gay and had perfected the art of lying smiling and making everyone believe in her.

She stole my heart she gave it life she brought out the music the dance the meaning of life.

Some hearts have it easy some hearts get lucky she made me feel so many emotions. Than she did the one thing I feared she would do why I never allowed myself to fall in love she left without a goodbye.

She broke my heart she took my soul. No love wasn't something I was ready to allow myself to feel again, yet somehow my heart wasn't following my brain, not when I was in the same room as Liv.

With love comes pain, I didn't want the pain I had enough to last a lifetime. Closing my eyes I tried to fight off the guilt the self pity I knew Adella would be rolling in her grave shaking her finger at me she'd be pissed I could hear her now. " _Manda Panda, How could you be so stupid so weak you know that you'll never be happy until your holding her in your arms,_ _you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."_

She didn't get it though I couldn't take that risk I just couldn't I wasn't brave enough strong enough to deal with the fall out. No Love was one gamble that even Amanda Rollins wasn't brave enough to roll the dice on not again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Amanda**

Exhaustion had taken over my whole body as I headed up the stairs passing Saoirse room, I heard the soft moans the giggles from both girls as they partook in their adventures. They were safe that's what counted so I didn't need to worry. I stopped at Liv's room she was also asleep I watched her for a minute her gorgeous new hair color gleaming as it spawned all over the pillow, she laid on her back snoring lightly. A small smile formed its way on my lips. She was so gorgeous.

She wasn't mine though forcing myself to turn around I went to the room I was sharing with the oldest of the sisters 35 year old Rionach. Beautiful music filled the hall as I came around the corner. I stood in the middle of the door frame my body heavy with worry, tiredness, sorrow. She was a different shade of beauty the long flowing luxurious waves of chestnut perfection with blond highlights stopping just above her mid back. Her eyes were closed as she threw her whole body into playing the heck out of the baby grand in our master bedroom.

" _That was simply elegant"_ she jumped as I came into view smiling I glided to join her on the piano bench. " _Sorry I didn't mean to startle you I was kind of just memorized by the sheer haunting tones of the music" "It's quiet alright babe yes it is an eerie song than again so is life so is love"_ A loud moan echoed through the halls followed by more giggles. I shuddered I mean I am all for expressing yourself through sex, I just prefer it kept private. I saw Rionach roll her eyes she must be so embarrassed I saw the flush in her checks. Uh I never wanted to think of Kim having sex never mind being in the same apartment. She must be mortified what do I say to her? Can you say anything? I was debating what to say when she gave a short laugh of her own " _Ah to be that young and in love again, it's quite lovely I do remember a few things about that time, though I s_ _p_ _ent far more_ _of_ _it less than sober_ _therefor limiting my memories to less than I'd like_ _"_ We both laughed god I loved her accent. Getting up I changed into my PJ's which she was already in. Once I was back to sitting by her I was suddenly struck with the sweet amazing aroma of her perfume filling my senses. I wondered what it was my eyes locked with hers as I looked up her smile was intoxicating her touch as she lightly grasped my upper arm paralyzing, she was simply Irresistible.

I must be horny why else would I lean into kiss her? She didn't pull away though only deepening the kiss. Damn she tasted amazing when she did pull away I was once again caught by her beautiful eyes a rare shade of blue/ green. She didn't say anything just brought me into a hug. I didn't even know how much I needed this damn hug till I was in her arms shaking, tears slowly falling down as she rubbed my back. 

After what seemed like forever yet was in reality only a matter of minutes I came up rubbing my eyes, flushed with embarrassment. " _I'm so so sorry that was so unprofessional of me, I can't believe I just.." "What broke down?" "It's okay babe we're all human we all need a good cry sometimes, it's obvious you_ _have some unsorted pain from your past. I'm guessing you've been burying it for many years and this assignment is bringing it all out to the open"_ Okay I was shocked I admit it, how did she? I thought I was so good at hiding it all.

" _Don't look so shocked babe, I am an actress who better to spot a liar than one who does it for a living?"_ Once again she made me laugh never heard of an actor calling themselves a professional liar before. I did need to talk before I exploded I knew that yet this was crossing a professional into personal line. What would Liv say? What would IEB say? Could this jeopardize the case? She laid her hand on my shoulder. _"No need to worry about crossing any lines babe you can trust me, it's my sisters life on the line here I won't do anything to put her in danger, including telling anything you tell me, I am here for advice, I've been told I give pretty damn good advice to."_

She seemed so genuine so passionate about wanting to help yet how could I trust someone who I knew nothing about who I barely even met a few hours ago? So much was riding on this my life my career, my friendships my happiness, yet was I truly happy? I had to ask myself, if I was being honest no I wasn't. How could I be when I was still hiding who I was what I felt. They call it being closeted for a reason it made me feel like having I had no voice. It's difficult to ask for help when you have no voice. Staying quite however meant I was safe, unlike those who hadn't stayed quite. Angel, BB, Effie and Saoirse, Eleanor. Okay man up Rollins your guarding her sister she has to know how serious you take this.

My lips were dry as I looked up at her beautiful eyes. Everything from her laughter to her body language exudes acceptance. Yet as she said she was an actress a professional liar. " _Let me help you Amanda it's not fair that I expect you to tell me your biggest secret when you know so little about me, how much do you know about me?"_ Truth was a little shaming " _We didn't get much time to do research really the case just jumped into our laps this morning" "Uh I figured as much love so let me give you some basic facts the only way I know how to do anything through song"_

She started playing a different melody now equally as beautiful as the other one.

" _ **Far from America land of the free**_

 _ **Lives a place amidst the beauty of musical fields of green**_

 _ **From Kilkeny through Belfast to Dublin**_

 _ **Lays the marsh of my birth Cork**_

 _ **Oldest of Five leader of our dreams**_

 _ **I was given the role I never qualified fo**_ _ **r**_

 _ **Chorus**_

 _ **One chance one chose who knew it would lead**_

 _ **To this one opportunity**_

 _ **Now we cross the Irish sea**_

 _ **So young filled with dreams**_

 _ **Fear,**_ _ **D**_ _ **read**_ __ _ **Hope and Love**_

 _ **Bring all them on we will conquer**_

 _ **Together Four become one**_

 _ **In life's beautiful melody we dance through our dreams**_

She smiled watching me sway to her beautiful voice I could gather what she was saying through her lyrics I pieced her life together from what little information I had gathered this morning.

Born on the 14th of May 1981 in Cork Ireland to her parents Maeve O'Connor and Ronan O'Ryan she's the oldest of five. Her Mum Maeve was famous as a kid for being the child that stared in an international commercial for Irish Soap. She landed movie roles as a kid two of them becoming huge blockbusters which catapulted her into a whole new realm of stardom. The people nicknamed her Little Miss Sunshine because she was always smiling always positive always happy.

As a teenager she modeled for Victoria Secret staring in several more major movies, she had her own clothing line by age 15, she started dating some of the hottest male teen actors. She transitioned into more adult roles as she got older. Including Amelia a movie that went on to win every award out there including six academy awards one of them being hers for best actress in an international drama, it's also where she met Ronan who was the director he was ten years older. Yet that didn't stop 19 year old Maeve from dating him.

Ronan was 31 he had built an impressive career for himself first as an Irish Dancer with his mum's dance school O'Ryans Flyte of Feet. He became famous for teaching Irish dance to students all over the world, mixing traditional style with modern and current dance trends. He toured Thirty- three times. When he retired at age 27 he went to college for movie production graduating top of his class.

While a senior he got to work along side some impressive directors in the business. He got his big break with one of them, leading him to direct his first movie before he even graduated from UCLA.

 _ **Hollywood Beauty Queen**_

 _ **Smile pretty there is more to life**_

 _ **Than camera's flashing glares**_

She paused seeming lost in memories at that moment tenderly I reached up to touch her face. She grasped my hand so suddenly I couldn't even gasp. " _I know what it's like to live with a lie Amanda it hurts so damn bad you feel like your suffocating"_ I saw a pool of tears fill her eyes so much sadness so much anger yet so much beauty. I wanted to kiss away her pain, take the shame and throw it across the Irish sea.

" _Me dad was one of thee funniest men around his laugh could shake a whole room, he was strong in so many ways yet weak in so many others, he drank a lot more than most Irish men, lets face it us Irish we love our drink, he took it further, he changed when he was angry. I was ten when I saw him get arrested for the first time, we were down on Washington Street it was late he was drinking Mum had sent me to fetch him so he wouldn't do something stupid and get his name in thee headlines again. I saw him laughing carrying on with his mates, than some guy some poor drunk guy slapped him on the arse he was only trying to tell him he thought whatever sick joke my dad had told was funny, yet I saw the light in my dad's eyes change, he became darker almost sinister, he flipped punching the poor lad so hard he broke his nose."_

Rionach was shaking as she told me her story eyes half open reflecting the sadness horror that she had to witness at such a young age.

" _He didn't stop he stomped on his face, called him a homo a disgusting fag , by thee time thee ambulance came thee lad was unconscious, he died on enroute to thee hospital. He was arrested yet me dad never faced charges because of his name his lawyers forced the family of thee victim to bury it to say it was brought upon because he sexually harassed me dad. This poor fellow was just out for a drink with his mates laughing having a good time, one mistake one slip of his hand and me dad killed him, I never saw that side till that night yet after it I couldn't erase it from me mind"_

My heart broke for her as I threw my arms around her hugging her feeling her whole body shake, I felt her tears fall silently. Rubbing her back I willed all my strength to her. Not that I had much left to give but what I did I would gladly give to her.

She seemed to get some confidence back because she returned to playing the music faster sharper more angry. Her face focused on what she was playing the lyrics that came out.

 _ **It's a long road stage lights blinding me**_

 _ **Connecting with your eyes let them lead me home**_

 _ **I want to get lost in your arms fall for your touch**_

 _ **Can you give me just this one night?**_

 _ **No promises no words just Intimacy**_

" _I started figuring out I was more alike to that poor lad when I was fifteen my life was pretty hectic to say the least, I started preforming before I even had a choice, I was in me dad's fathers dance school from the time I was old enough to stand, I grew up doing commercials for his school, which lead to modeling gigs acting classes, vocal lessons, guitar, piano, by thee time I was ten I had stared in my first movie adventures on Ellis Island. It was my first time coming to America yet I fell in love with lady liberty. Things seemed so different over here, I vowed one day to make it here."_

" _Mum and dad spent more time away than home leaving us with nannies, yet I never wanted my sisters raised by hired help. I took a huge part in raising Siobhan who's seven years my junior, she was feisty even as a lass, she never wanted to wear her uniform she was always ripping it off altering it somehow, earning herself written warnings, iss, os you name it. Uh I wanted to pull me hair out dealing with her, yet she was so talented she could learn any instrument she picked up choreography so easy while I sometimes broke down crying over the difficulties in thee routines, her problem was she didn't care didn't have that passion for it. Which infuriated our parents."_

" _She would rather hang with her friends, Aofie well she was different than both of us, she is ten years younger than I was at five she was my little buddy clinging to me doing whatever I said she was a dream. A good girl in school a grace on thee dance floor, our granddad had us form a dance troupe even though Siobhan hated it she did it because it was family and family is suppose to stick together. Than I got a role of a lifetime on a new MTV show called shades Of Teens which was filmed in LA, I jumped at thee chance left home got an apartment on me own, which was scary yet exhilarating. I felt free, I started clubbing with older friends, I experimented with drugs drinking but I never let it control me. I was there to work believe me I did booking every and any job I could, modeling singing, acting I did it all._

" _Shades took off within the first few months of debuting I became a household name along with me co-star Erin Geneva who also became my first girlfriend."_

" _We both knew we had to keep our love a secret, here's the thing about secrets Amanda if you give them room to grow they will destroy you, I felt trapped over the next three years I let it control me, I thought I was in control"_

She laughed bitterly. _We fought all the time she wanted to go public I mean we were Gay icons playing lesbians on this hit show fighting for LGBT rights yet pretending to be straight in real life. I was terrified after what I saw happen to that man in cork there was no way I would risk it, to bury thee pain, thee shame I started using drugs heavier, drinking becoming like thee man who had given me so much of my turmoil. I kept that hidden to though at least I tried."_

" _I had so much guilt, guilt that I was deceiving my fans, being a shitty girlfriend, a disgrace of a daughter an even worse sister, hell I was 26 before I even saw my two youngest siblings for the first time. That joyful event happened when I had OD at a club ending up in the hospital nearly dead. I woke up to see these four pairs of eyes staring at me, scared the Dejesus out of me. I heard this little yet powerful determined voice say to me." "Sissy I don't care if your gay I only care that you live, I need you to protect me love me help me we are going to be stars, but to shine we have to learn how to live to be happy otherwise no one will see us for who we are. She was so wise even than. I cleaned myself up took custody of her, Aofie, Siobhan, Riley Jay and decided that I wasn't going to hide anymore. Siobhan was already 20 by than so she swore she would help me, she got a job at a dance studio as an Irish dance teacher. I landed a gig as a bar singer, yet it was little ten year old Saoirse who surpassed all of us. She landed the role of Andrea in a new Kids movie trilogy called Fiddler Kids she became a household name over night it seemed her face on every billboard, every teen magazine, she was being interviewed by every reporter, talk show everywhere. She was is so talented by ten she was wining international awards for dance, music, acting, singing, it was her idea for us to start a family band. It made sense we were talented Siobhan could play any keyboard she was in college for production a master of mixing. Aofie could play any guitar, any banjo, violin fiddle you name it, I was a drummer, we could all sing of course Saoirse had the voice of an angel she was young she could sell, we could all dance. It wasn't easy yet we did it we worked our butts off we auditioned for record company after company no one wanted us until 1994 when The Corrs and The Cranberries started making it big, than suddenly we were sort after by everyone. It was my idea to start our own company. I didn't want them making money off our ideas, we had money we had experience so we got some family friends to invest. The rest as they say is history, by 2001 we released our first CD. Saoirse was 15 than it's when I started to notice things. I saw her looking at other girls, when Aofie and Siobhan were all giggly talking about the cute guys in their dance classes, or the hottest male actor they saw at the last premiere she was always drawn to other females, she never said anything."_

" _So I took her aside one day and reminded her what she had said to me when I was in that hospital, she smiled shyly and just shock her head saying it's different for me. I'm everybody's sweetheart if I come out I lose everything my sponsors my roles, my life, it broke my heart Amanda."_

" _So I came out to the world the very next day at our concert I asked the audience to tell me if it made any of them love me any less. The response was overwhelming over 95% of them stood up screaming my name, waving my picture on their cell phones chanting my name, I think it moved her so much she came out right after me"_

" _Don't get me wrong though I have loved I have lost my ex girlfriend couldn't handle our schedules. I found her cheating on me last month, it's heartbreaking to love someone who doesn't love you back, so I get it Amanda the fear, the pain even feeling ashamed but it's nothing to be ashamed about you did nothing wrong whatever the story is."_

What was my story? Could I come out to her? How could I not after that story? She laid her heart out on her sleeve for me _"If you like Liv first of all be brave enough to admit it to yourself second of all don't hide it the worst she can do is say no than be brave enough to face it, deal with it move on this won't do you any good"_ She picked up my chin with her finger smiling at me before she kissed my lips again " _Your too beautiful to be wasting love on someone who can't or won't give it to you"_ I was speechless which I think was what she was trying to accomplish because she smiled pushing me with her hips.

" _Okay so I told you my story what's yours country girl?"_ I didn't feel brave enough yet to tell her so I took a huge gulp of half the whiskey bottle she had brought out before sliding my fingers over the keys, there was something about her that I couldn't shake she was beautiful so beautiful total opposite of Adella yet I was drawn to her, I've never told anybody my story before. No one back home even knew so why was I finding this irresistible urge to lay it all out to her a complete stranger?


	8. Chapter 8

**Amanda**

" _ **You could hold my hand**_

 _ **It doesn't mean you know me**_

" _I was sixteen the first time I laid eyes on her in the locker room. I was a sweaty hot mess, hair stuck to my face neck, my face was beat red, having just come from softball practice. She was coming from Cheer leading tryouts I knew she was going to audition I was already on the team. Her smile stole my heart her eyes were so bright when she turned to me I swear my knees almost gave out. There I was in a towel only shaking from one smile of another girl."_

 _ **I see you search me with your eyes**_

 _ **Those beautiful orbits to your soul**_

 _ **What secrets can they tell will your lips part**_

 _ **To bare your soul?**_

" _Her eyes locked with mine suddenly I wasn't shaking I was glued to the floor, I never thought she would of ever looked at me, much less stare me down seductively smiling at me with her eyes, I swear I felt them undressing me" "I watched her walk straight into a locker she was so confused, her friends all laughed at her"_

" _ **How I dream of being part of your world"**_

" _I was speechless I had never had my breath taking away like that, I had never felt things like what was happening between my legs. She was beautiful with her long raven hair, her beautiful brown eyes almost hazel. She was taller than most of us, skinny as a rail, even though she said she was too fat"_

 _ **Chorus**_

 _ **Is it love or is it lust?**_

 _ **How can you make the difference at sixteen?**_

 _ **When you've never had either before**_

 _ **Is there a chance it could be**_

 _ **Reality Reciprocated?**_

 _ **Am I just lost in fantasy?**_

 _ **Let me sleep if this is a dream**_

" _I ran when I finally found the strength so scared, the next time I saw her was in my dreams. My dreams well there a mixture of many things most night I wake up screaming sweating from the horrors I see, sometimes their so happy their sappy this was one of them. I was in the back of a pickup truck playing my guitar singing, the football team was celebrating, she turned to me winking at me, I was so shocked I fell off the truck into the mud everyone was laughing at me, than I felt the rain drops, only for a second though cause she was over me in a minute covering me smiling down at me."_

" _ **Am I locking myself to a place I can never get back?**_

 _ **Is there any hope left?**_

 _ **I hear the whispers I feel the stares"**_

" _The first time I was called a Dyke I was 16, I had spent years watching her than one day out of the blue she happened. I was at a softball game one of my best ones I had pitched a near perfect game hit a grand slam, my whole team was celebrating except when I looked around I realized there was no one there for me. Not the first time usually Kim came but she was in detention that day. Yet that day it hit me hard watching the other girls get hugs from their moms, high fives from their dad's teasing from their brothers/ sisters. I felt alone, worthless unloved. When I turned back around she was there holding a ball in her hand tossing it up and down." "Hey slugger I thought you'd like a reminder of how powerful you are"_

" _ **I can't help myself I look into your eyes**_

 _ **I'm lost in time**_

 _ **A time before hateful words built up these walls**_

 _ **There are reasons I've built up this facade**_

 _ **Drastic actions hateful ignorance**_

 _ **No protection innocence lost**_

 _ **They say put the past to rest**_

 _ **Maybe it's just their way of dealing with the shame of the blame**_

 _ **Yes it was a different world but am I a different girl?**_

 _ **Or just a girl who grew up too damn fast?**_

 _ **Excuse me if I am a little guarded but with my past**_

 _ **I have the right to be jaded**_

 _ **I've had my heart played one too many times**_

 _ **I won't be used for a tool, I will not be a fool for you"**_

" _Our relationship was rocky to say the least she was the daughter of a pastor, her mom was the Sunday school teacher the PTA leader. Both her parents were huge supporters of reform campers for homosexuality very vocal on the views that gays were sinners who didn't deserve to breathe the same air. My Mama well she was just a hypocrite. So we kept it on the D.L sneaking away to another town to attend movies, clubs, have picnics in parks. At school we kept our differences only interacting when we needed to like at Cheer practice even than we kept it short sweet not raising any flags."_

" _We thought we were doing so well, we went a whole year stealing kisses in the girls bathroom stall behind closed doors, only going to my house when Mama was away at some guys, weekends were usually a time when teenagers in Loganville went out of town with friends anyway cause lets face it life there is boring. So we would sneak off from our group, we spent a few weekends at a hotel there. The staff even got to know us, they thought it was cute."_

" _We made love for the first time at that hotel, we celebrated our first anniversary there, she was the first person who I ever told that I loved, she had me under her spell. We were so young trying to figure this all out, she hated lying to her parents, her friends, yet she knew what would happen if she ever came out."_

" _The stress got to us both I started smoking to calm my nerves she hated that we fought over it all the time, I hated fighting it always left me in tears, she ended up feeling bad trying to comfort me, that's what lead to our downfall, I was crying upset under the bleachers one day after another fight, when she leaned in pulling me close kissing me so deeply. I lost my grip we fell into the stands causing a loud commotion that neither of us heard because we were too busy sucking face, others heard it though and came racing. We were outed right than and there I heard one of the footballer players yell "Dyke's" within hours it was all over town. Her dad freaked out he came to the school tore us out of class hit us screamed at us, threated to press charges against me for statuary rape. He swore Adella would regret it, dragging her away."_

I had to stop these memories they were too painful I thought of Liv's eyes I longed to be the center of her thoughts.

 _ **You say you want to know my secrets**_

 _ **Is it just Lieutenant curtsey's?**_

 _ **Don't build up my walls only to let me down**_

 _ **My heart can't take hope**_

 _ **With love comes sacrifice I am always the one left to burn**_

 _ **Love means goodbye**_

 _ **so if you can't promise me forever**_

 _ **Don't build me up to tear me down**_

 _ **I know you mean well**_

 _ **What you don't get though is that to me**_

 _ **This isn't a case or just pretending**_

 _ **This is my heart this is my reality**_

 _ **I love you I'm sorry if I don't buy it**_

 _ **Sick of feeling nothing**_

 _ **When I want nothing more than to feel your arms wrapped around me**_

 _ **Be my security my hope my ray of life**_

My fingers laid heavier on the keys now producing darker sadder sound filled with anger rage.

 _ **I adore you I want to look in your eyes**_

 _ **Kiss your lips share every dream**_

 _ **Yet once again it's my dreams I sacrifice for the greater good**_

 _ **When will it be my turn for happiness?**_

 _ **Is happiness a far away illusion teasing me tormenting me**_

 _ **Who gets sweet satisfaction for my pain who will taste my kisses**_

 _ **Mixed with my bittersweet tears?**_

 _ **Is it love or is it lust?**_

 _ **How can you make the difference at sixteen?**_

 _ **When you've never had either before**_

 _ **Is there a chance it could be**_

 _ **Reality Reciprocated?**_

 _ **Am I just lost in fantasy?**_

 _ **Let me sleep if this is a dream**_

 _ **I'll be waiting forever to hear those three little words**_

 _ **I love you in reality not just my dreams**_

 _ **Yet life has taught me to hear**_

 _ **Goodbye**_

I felt her before I could react her lips crashing against mine, her hands grabbing at me pushing off my top, the cold air hitting me, I didn't care I just held onto her wrapping my legs around her waist as she picked me up leading me to the bed.

Short in takes of breaths little gasps, shivers running up and down my spine. My eyes hazed over as her kisses trailed over my now naked torso, my fingers shaking yet strongly gripping her bra as I worked it off, gliding happily over her soft heated flesh of her breasts. God she was amazing, I felt lost in my darkness no one could hear my screams for all these years, now here she was pushing back my hair causing me to gasp as her lips gently found happiness of a newborn on it's mama's nipples. Mama wasn't going to complain either let me tell you, she found the key to releasing my tension, my sorrow, my fears. I heard music I don't know where it was coming from. Yet I was loving it.

Clothes thrown on to the floor as hot flesh melted into cold shaky soon to be warm flesh, lips crashing against hot pulsing wetness, moans escaping.

" _ **We come into this world alone  
From the heart of darkness  
The infinite unknown  
We're only here a little while  
And I feel safe and warm  
When I see your smile"**_

 _ **"**_ _ **Everybody's searching for intimacy**_ _ **  
**_ _ **Ooh ooh ooh ooh**_ _ **  
**_ _ **Everybody's hurting for intimacy**_ _ **  
**_ _ **Ooh ooh ooh ooh"**_

Lyrics to intimacy belong to the Corrs. All others belong to me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Amanda**

" _Merry Christmas Amanda baby"_ It was Christmas Eve. I was lying in bed, in the top bunk of the hotel we were on a Cheerleader field trip all the rest of the girls were out shopping leaving just Adella & I at the hotel, when I looked over at the bedroom door, she was there looking so beautiful in just a red Christmas bra and a short pair of matching panties, she looked like a gift from heaven a red Santa hat on, and a bag slung over her shoulder full of gifts. " _Merry Christmas to me Baby, you are looking so …_ Her laughter rung out as I sat up never taking my eyes off of her body, she grinned shyly knowing exactly what I was thinking. _"Aw baby did I make you forget how to talk?"_ She was by me now straddling me her scent leaving me breathless her mouth inches away from mine as she whispered to me. " _Santa has this need baby can you help her?" "What does Santa need? You know I have been a very naughty little girl this year right Santa? "Oh Santa knows darling that's why Santa needs your help,_ _See Santa has this burning desire,_ She took my hand leading it down over her stomach my fingers lingering slightly over her thigh before traveling further down her hips gently gliding between her legs. " _Oh baby it burns so bad, Santa needs some relief can you be a good girl for just a second I need a good girl who is willing to be bad no naughty very naughty, take care of my little issue for me"_

" _Help ME!"_ My heart was racing as I found myself sitting up suddenly breathless confused and wait naked. Looking around I tried to figure out what had woken me. Did I hear some one scream? The shift of the bed made me look over, I wasn't alone? Who was there? My hand hesitated over the covers of the figure laying next to me. Who was slowly awaken what the hell had happened last night? Was it still night? I could see the blinds were still closed, a groan next to me told me whoever it was next to me was in worse shape than I was. _"What happened?"_ The voice I recognized it. The covers lifted revealing Rionach who looked to me a small smile spread over her face as she held her head in her hands. " _How much did I have to drink last night?"_ Wrapping my arms around her I pulled her to me. " _Not that much babe, less than I did I think" "You don't remember much either huh?" "No..._ We both laughed as she leaned up our eyes locking forehead touching lips connecting, she pushed me back down. " _"Doesn't matter anyway Amanda I don't regret what we did do you?" "No not one bit I could lose myself in you any day everyday_ " _"_ _shh don't say anymore love just hold me close kiss me make love to me"_ I didn't use my words to reply just my body my lips our moans slowly echoing as our bodies connected fingers sliding inside each others most delicate places, my arousal becoming more and more heated as her lips traveled to my breasts. " _Help me!"_

The door suddenly flew open both of us shooting up covered in each others saliva dizzy from heated passion. " _Rionach she's gone!"_ We scrambled trying to cover ourselves as Siobhan was pushed forward. " _Amanda!"_ My heart stopped as I saw Liv come in pulling her robe tighter along with Aofie., Riley. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Liv's eyes scanning us in the bed. Her face changing from shock to confusion than to anger. " _What are you talking about Siobhan?"_ Clothes were once again thrown this time to each other as we hurried to dress.

Liv managed to calm Siobhan down enough to get her in the hallway where we saw James holding an icepack over his head. As always Liv was a vision of calm confident beauty, where I looked like a train wreck. Hair all over the place makeup smeared my insides feeling as jittery as my nervous twitching leg. " _What do you mean she's gone?"_ Liv looked straight to James " _What happened to you did you see who did this to you?" "Sure did the princess herself did it" "Princess Eleanor did this?" "Yea not the first time either she's a handful most days but ever since the death of her head security she's been even wilder than usual anything to lash out at her mum" "You need to be checked out sir" "No I'm fine we need to find the Princess and Saoirse before the killer does" "Where would she go_ _normally go?"_

We looked towards her sisters who were in shock Aofie managed to give an answer " _This isn't like our sister to just vanish like this she's a good girl she knows what she's suppose to do"_ Liv was patient understanding holding Aofie's hand gently " _Sweetie I get that your upset confused and pissed I promise you we find the girls we just need some information" "How well does she know this city?"_ They seemed to pause look at each other " _There's a few places she likes to go when she doesn't want to be found I can give you the address"_ Rionach was the first to speak her voice shaking with fear. " _I'm going with you though"_ Liv's voice was sharper than normal as she replied to her glaring at the two of us. _"No your not sorry but this is a police matter one you've already compromised enough for one night"_

Shooting an apologized look towards Rionach I fixed my outfit grabbing my coat this would not be a good trip. I could feel Liv's anger radiating off her. She's kind of hot when she's pissed. It's late so we decided not to call Fin or Carsis until we know for sure something is wrong. The ride to the first address is silent I see her stealing glances at me yet she doesn't say anything. Flipping on the radio I settle back thinking about the fact that I just had sex with someone I use to fantasize about as a teenager. She's the reason I was able to come to the realization that I was gay.

" _Amanda" "_ _Don't Liv not now" "We have to"_ I looked at her glaring _"No No we don't Liv my personal life is just that my personal business"_ Her glare was equally as strong all business. I wondered if she even gave a damn about me or if this was all her being a boss inserting her authority _"Not when it interferes with a case"_ Rolling my eyes I groaned turning away crossing my arms. _"It hasn't it won't were both adults we consented to sleeping with each other we won't screw anything up she won't put her sister in danger I would never compromise our clients"_ The arch of Liv's eyebrow told me she didn't believe anything I just said _. "You already have this case is personal to you isn't it?"_ What was she trying to get at? Of course it was personal every case is personal I hate seeing people judge someone based on who they are. I couldn't say any of that though. It would just prove her point so instead I stayed quite. Being strong however wasn't as easy with hereyes staring straight at me. My mind was telling me to keep my mouth shut yet my heart wanted nothing more than to confined in her. To have her tell me she wasn't pissed that she understood, to have her tell me she didn't see me any different because I was gay.

" _Manda I never knew you were gay, is this an experiment or have you…_

I saw the look on her face she wasn't only shocked/confused she was repulsed. Which just made me feel sick. So this was just all a cover for her she didn't enjoy flirting tonight she didn't enjoy kissing me. This whole world made her sick. I have never felt so humiliated so depressed and so scared in my life.

" _Have I what Liv always been gay? I honestly don't believe this is any of your business you've never taken any interest in my life before even when I tried to talk to you years ago when I first came here, you never gave a damn than so please do me the favor of not pretending to care now"_

" _Amanda please let me"_

" _Let you what Liv? Tell me how disgusted you are by me, tell me how I am sinning how I will burn in hell?_ She reached over to touch my shoulder I jerked away so suddenly. I slammed into the car door pain hitting me so hard I was stopped frozen from shock. _"Better yet make this all about my job how I screwed up how your going to take my badge because I just don't follow the rules? Guess what I am sick of following the damn rules! I'm sick of hiding so yes Liv I am a Lesbian, yes I slept with Rionach but guess what Liv you don't get to tell me anything because who I am what I do in my personal life is for me to know and for those who I chose to allow into my world. You don't make the list Lieutenant so stay the hell out of my business"_

I got out slamming the door as I pulled out my gun carefully going up the steps. Liv followed me close behind still trying to get me to talk. Scanning the apartment building, I spotted people standing around smoking till they saw me than they ran inside. " _NYPD!"_ Conversation stopped as we ran up the steps busting through the door of the hidden condo. " _NYPD!" "Liv call a bus we have a body!"_


	10. Chapter 10

**Amanda**

" _Saoirse baby can you hear me?" Hang in there baby your going to be okay!"_ Holding her hand as the paramedics tried to stop her bleeding. I watched her eyes flicker with the fight of life vs death. Her body tightened as she tried to breathe. A mask was placed over her mouth I was shoved aside as she reached for my hand, I scrambled to grab her hand trying to ask her one last time. " _Can you tell me anything about the person who did this?"_ She opened her mouth to answer gasping as her eyes rolled back, her hand going limp body in convulsions.

" _Amanda we have to talk about what I saw"_ Was she serious right now? A killer was on the loose a young teenager was fighting for her life, a princess was missing and all she gave a damn about was my sex life? Before I could reply saying something that would've cost me my job the elevators dinged sliding open her worried family came racing out. _"Where's our sister? Is she okay?"_ Rionach threw herself into my arms as Liv tried to talk to her. " _I'm sorry for this Rionach but we really need to talk to your sister"_ Rionach spun towards Liv her hair flying eyes set in a war path. _"Not now Detective right now I need to see my sister"_ I saw the doctor in charge of her case come to the door Rionach grabbed Aoife's hand as the family went to get word on her condition. I stayed back feeling like this was out of our place.

My legs felt shaky as I saw their expressions a scream from Siobhan confirmed my worst fears a damp coldness settled over me, as I saw Rionach fall into Aofie's arms crying. My heart broke for them for Saoirse who only wanted to make a difference, for all the victims who were taken too soon.

" _She's gone Amanda I am so sorry"_ My legs gave out as my whole world was torn apart in only seconds one minute we were laughing, dancing under the stars making love to some cheesy song, the next there was a gunshot, sirens, blood so much blood, she was in my arms. _"Sorry! She should be sorry not you! She's the reason my little girl is dead! Her perversion she poisoned my beautiful Adella! Adella would still be breathing if she didn't turn her gay!"_ Screams who was screaming? Why couldn't I stand on my own? Wait Kim had pushed me down why? I barely saw his fists aiming at my face as my sister threw her body over mine.

" _Amanda"_ I jumped feeling Liv's touch as she pulled me out of my memories her eyes were filled with concern. " _Sweetie what happened? Where did you go? Did you hear anything I said? Manda" "Don't Liv just don't"_ I hissed pulling away trying to shake away those memories which seemed to be taken a stronger grip on me with each day that this case lasted. _"Lieutenant Benson, Detective Rollins I'm Dr. Winters Saoirse's doctor I'm sorry to keep you waiting I know you want to ask her questions, I suggest you do it soon we are unable to stop her internal bleeding. I am afraid she only has hours left. She's lucid but it won't last long her family is with her they've granted permission for you to talk to her"_

Stepping inside the trauma room I felt my body go numb I knew where I was I knew it was Saoirse lying in that bed color draining from her face, air being forced into her body from her heart that was losing too much blood unable to pump fast enough to give her enough oxygen, yet it wasn't her I saw. I wasn't in NYC it wasn't 2016, in my mind I was back to 1998, I was seventeen again, I was in Loganville Ga. Adella was in the trauma room eyes closed her hand limp, machines unhooked no need for them anymore. Her hand was so cold, her nails painted gold & white I remembered painting them myself. Reaching out now taking Saoirse's hand I felt how warm it was, her nails were painted pink, she turned towards me. " _Catch them "Manda please don't let the hate win" "Baby what can you tell us about him?"_ She struggled to talk to remember

" _There were three people one man he had a British accent he was about_ _5'9½ black hair,_ She gasped Rionach grabbed her hand trying to comfort her. Telling her to relax not to talk but Saoirse wouldn't stop. " _There were two women one_ _5'5"_ _Brown hair_ _she sounded American,_ Machines started going off as she grabbed her chest eyes rolling back, Doctors and nurses raced inwe stepped back allowing them to help her comfort her. Once she was settled more I stepped forward her hand was colder now, she was paler. I could see the light starting to fade her voice grew weaker, I sat on her bed straining to hear as she had to take deep breaths in between each word. " _The other girl I believe also American had blond hair around 5'10_. _They_ _kicked their way into our condo, they held Lenni while the man beat me, he held a gun to my head...he forced me to the ground he said perverts don't deserve happiness, than he raped me he forced Leni to watch he told her that this was for her mother, they took her, please help her.. please find her,_ _don't let hate win"_

I don't even know what to say. People need to fucking understand that being gay is a real thing and that it's fine. Seriously! Who is anyone to say that it's not love just, because we're of the same sex? How is loving someone wrong? Think for yourself. Just because some guy in a book says that it's "sinful" then it automatically means that it is? How is shooting someone justified? How do I tell her family that I have no idea if we will find these bastards? Rionach bowed her head holding my hand as well as her family's. She started praying but I couldn't bring myself to do it, how do I pray to a god who would let this happen? Again and again, I was losing faith, which scared me as a kid I use to pray all the time. Now however sitting here with Saoirse her family and Liv watching as she gasped for breaths her eyes no longer focused now gazed over, skin growing colder calmly. " _I love you baby I love you,_ Her sisters, and brother kept repeating over, over again stroking her face, hair. She was sweating coughing moaning as each breath became harder for her to take.

" _Dance then, wherever you may be,_

 _I am the Lord of the Dance said he,_

 _And I'll lead you all wherever you may be,_

 _And I'll lead you all in the Dance said he._

 _I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black._

 _It's hard to dance with the devil on your back._

 _They buried my body and they thought I'd gone,_

 _But I am the dance and I still go on._

 _They cut me down and I leap up high._

 _I am the life that'll never die._

 _I'll live in you if you'll live in me._

 _I am the Lord of the Dance, said he."_

" _May the road rise to meet you.  
May the wind be always at your back.  
May the sun shine warm upon your face.  
And rains fall soft upon your fields.  
And until we meet again,_ Rionach placed a soft kiss on her forehead as I saw Saoirse close her eyes. Rionach's crying became heavier as the machines started beeping. I wrapped my arms around her as did her family, I never saw Liv slip out of the room. _  
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand"_

" _Don't let hate win"_ Those were her last words to me I would be dammed if I let her down now.

Lord Of Dance belongs to English songwriter Sydney Carter. May the Road Rise To Meet You a traditional Gaelic blessing


	11. Chapter 11

**Amanda**

" _Jasper Frost where were you on June 13, 14th 15th where were you tonight?"_

Jasper sat back in the chair of the integration room sweating bullets staring at both Liv, I not answering arms crossed.

" _I know my rights I don't have to answer a damn thing"_

" _No you don't but you will if you ever want to see Princess Eleanor alive her life is on the line the more you fuck around the less time we have to find her"_

This seemed to get his attention.

" _We know Eleanor was afraid of you why was she afraid?"_

" _She wasn't afraid of me, she loved me she just didn't want to admit it, she liked playing with me it was a game to her, she gets mad she does some crazy shit to make me jealous, I get…_

He stopped suddenly Liv looked at me as I advanced to him " _Don't stop now Jasper you get what?" "Nothing" "Nothing that doesn't make sense to me you don't seem like a man who would do nothing when a girl was teasing you making sexual advances at you than ignoring you, I bet it made you mad"_

" _No it made me sad"_

" _Sad?"_

" _Yeah Eleanor is gorgeous she's one of the strongest fiercest woman I have ever met she .. she just doesn't realize her own self worth, her family has put so much pressure on her she she acts out she puts herself in dangerous places, she can't accept love, because she doesn't love herself"_

" _She seems confident to me"_

" _It's a facade she is an actress she plays her role well"_

" _So was being gay was that a role to her?"_

" _No I mean yes she wasn't gay she was bisexual, it was just to get at me though, she likes men, she was using Mandy, Saoirse to get me mad"_

" _Who's Mandy?"_

He stops talking looking torn, I got closer almost sitting on his lap. " _Who is she? What does she have to do with Eleanor, Why would she use her to make you jealous?"_

" _Come on Jasper we can and will hold you for kidnapping help us help yourself"_

" _I believe it's called Treason against the crown over there isn't it?_

" _Fine her name is Samantha Cook she goes by Mandy she's my ex girlfriend and my ...my partner in Vegas Cons, she came to the palace looking for me we had been planning to rob the princess, she met Eleanor in a bar, they started drinking talking, they started dating, Eleanor found out about the con on the night of her birthday"_

" _I bet she was pissed"_

" _That's an understatement she was devastated she kicked me out of the palace,_ _Liam is the only reason I am there, I blew it between sleeping with her Mum, planing to rob her she doesn't trust me"_

" _Wait you slept with the queen?"_

" _Yeah not my proudest moment Eleanor found out had me arrested"_

" _So you have plenty of reasons to be angry with her?"_

" _I didn't hurt her!"_

" _Prove it where were you on these nights?_

" _I can't tell you"_

" _Can't or won't?"_

" _Can't it's a matter of security"_

" _I can assure you that no matter what you say it will not breach anything either talk or enjoy Rikers"_

" _I was with Liam I was his detail"_

By the time we went to see Liam who was holding in another interrogation room it was well past 1 am. I was so exhausted my whole body was dragging yet my anger was fueling me. I knew when I crashed I was going to crash hard. Right now though the whole department was on call 24/7 till we cracked this case.

Liv handed me a steaming cup of coffee than handed Liam some Tea. He didn't even take it his eyes were red rimmed, it's strange seeing a guy break down yet the minute we told him his twin sister was missing he did, crying in my arms begging me to find her. Sitting across from him I could see the tears had dried now the anger, fear were taking over.

" _What are you doing to find my sister Detectives? I can't afford to lose her, Len she's strong the strongest of any of us, but she can only take so much I know Saoirse is dead, if she finds out, I don't know if she can take it"_

" _I assure you we're doing everything in our power to bring your sister home, I honestly don't think she knows when Detective Rollins and I found Saoirse she was alive, she died at the hospital later Eleanor was already missing"_

" _Can you tell us if your sister had an enemies?"_

" _Are you serious? We're the Royal family we have enemies all over the world!" Hell our own family hates us!"_

" _This is unreal first my brother than my dad now my sister! Why What does God want from us?"_

" _Liam I know your upset"_

" _Upset? No I am pissed! I am ready to kill someone! I want my sister back! I am sick of being used as pawn in some sick asshole's plans!"_

" _Liam can you tell us was Jasper with you on these nights?"_

We slipped him the paper with the dates listed.

" _Jasper you think he's responsible for this? I'll kill him! I gave him a second a third chance if he did this I swear to god hell will hath no furry I will bring beheading back myself!"_

" _He swore he changed he swore he was sorry for blackmailing her trying to rob her, he swore DAMNIT!" No he wasn't with me I was with my mum in Genovera at a conference with the prime minster"_

" _Thank you Liam you just gave us enough reason to hold him if there's anything you can think of please call us don't play a hero"_


	12. Chapter 12

**Amanda**

Hours had turned into the next morning which became afternoon it was almost 24 hours now since Princess Eleanor was missing. Queen Helena was screaming in one of the integration rooms with her son, her assistant Rachel. While Fin, Carisi, Liv and I were meeting with A.D.A Rafael Barba in Liv's office. All of us running on very little sleep, I hadn't been able to eat in hours.

" _Do we have DNA form Saoirse yet?"_

" _Lab's put a rush on it should be here shortly"_

" _We have the footage from the club, from both condo's, Jasper isn't at the second one however another man was, he's seen following them upstairs, after that we have no footage"_

" _Photo enhance his image see if you can see him on any of the footage from the club on the previous nights the victims were attacked"_

" _I won't issue a warrant for his arrest until we can tie him to the crime"_

" _Need I remind you this is a delicate matter of international scandal every news outlet will be on this like a dog with a bone tread carefully and for god sakes go by the book!"_

Hours later I found myself at Rionach's door, regret filled my soul we were still no closer to finding Princess Eleanor. She answered carefully when she saw it was me she offered a small sad smile throwing her arms around me. We stayed like this for a few moments before she took my hand allowing me inside.

" _She was so young Amanda too young she had so much to live for, why did this happen?" "I failed her I failed my own sister after she saved me, I couldn't save her"_

She broke down as I closed her bedroom door I knew she was trying to be strong for her sisters and brother who were all in the living room looking like zombies. " _Sweetie you didn't fail her, you did everything you could to protect her you loved her she knew it, I don't know why the good die young, I can't explain why some people who have so much to live for, don't get that chance, all I know is that she was sent to us for a reason, it's up to us to figure out why and honor her."_

I held her through the night rocking her rubbing her back, kissing her face as she cried off and on, some moments we lay there kissing, at some point she put on a recording the last song Saoirse had recorded only a few days ago.

" _I know your not suppose to talk about the case Amanda but do you have any idea who did this?"_

I hesitated Liv would be pissed if I did this yet she may know something she had the right to know. So I pulled the image out of the man we saw on video. She shot up grabbing the photo all color draining from her face. " _Do you know him?" "Yes you should to" "Why who is he?" "That's king Cyrus" "Eleanor's uncle he hates her"_


	13. Chapter 13

**Amanda**

Rushing into the station I could barely catch my breath as I flung myself into Liv's office she looked up startled. _"Rollins what the hell?" "Where were you?" "We've been looking for you!""First off I was off so where I was is my business, second of all I have a lead" "A lead how did you get a lead? What did you do? Who did you talk to?" "Rionach knows the man in the photo!" "You showed her evidence from an on going case!" "Liv please move on we have a name" "Rollins your crossing a line!"_

My anger was boiling over clenching my fist I tried to keep myself from saying anything that would get me fired. " _Your off the case I knew this was too personal for you, you can't keep an objective prospective" "Objective! Please like you haven't worked on cases that you knew you shouldn't work on! Please stop acting like your perfect" "Rollins!"_ I crossed the line damn it I knew I should of kept my mouth shut pacing back and forth I tried to keep my breathing even it wasn't easy.

Turning around I knew I had to suck it up apologize taking a deep breath I swallowed preparing what I was going to say. I turned to face her getting pushed back as her lips the softest most delicious lips ever were suddenly on me. Speechless I stepped back unable to even form a thought. What was her game here? She practically told me with her eyes how disgusted she was by me, now she was kissing me? " _Amanda I am so sorry I shouldn't of attacked you" "I was shocked I mean I never thought you were.. I always dreamed but I never thought"_ Wait did she just say she dreamed about me? _"I love you Amanda I hope you can forgive me"_ My lips gave her all the answer she would ever need.

The flinging of the door flying open however caused both of us to jump back. I fell against the couch Liv slammed into her desk. Fin looked between both of us shaking his head. " _The Queen is here she's a mess someone sent her a message"_

" _ **You took form me now I take from you"**_

" _Queen Helena can you think of anyone who has a personal vendetta against you?"_

" _Just one?"_ She laughed sarcastically " _T_ _his note here isn't business Queen this is someone who wants you to pay someone close to you, who would hate you this much to take your daughter? Their not asking for money queen, I will be honest this note is telling us one thing, who ever has your daughter, he or she has no plans to let her go, their telling you that they plan to kill her, so please if you want to see you daughter alive think hard who hates you enough to use your child against you?"_

" _No one cries for the queen_ _Lieutenant_ _Benson not even my own..._


	14. Chapter 14

**Eleanor**

" _Where am I?"_ " _Hello! Anybody hear me?"_

I was blind folded I had no idea where I was all I knew was that I was thrown on a cold wet hard floor. I could hear the drip of rain, a leak? Was someone crying? My throat was so tight, my stomach was clenching. I was sweating, shaking, so cold so very cold why was I sweating? " _Hello! Anybody! I promise you that you will regret this! This is treason!"_

A loud bang made my whole body freeze footsteps made me feel sicker. " _Oh for the love of crumpets Princess will you shut up already no one cares who you are"_ He was laughing I was so dizzy, why did I know that voice yet not be able to place it what did he do to me? Did he drug me?I couldn't move he had tied my hands together my legs. " _Do you think I give a damn about the police?"_ Pain shot through my face as his hand slapped me across each side he was on top of me, oh god it dawned on me, I was naked, that's why I was so cold. Another slap this one sent my head flying back against the hard floor. Dizziness over came me as I felt him on me, I heard the zipper. _"Now you little Dyke you will pay for destroying the crown"_

" _You don't control this game bitch I do" "Your either stupid or suicidal the palace will find me they will kill you"_ I felt air as my head was picked up slammed against the floor, blood came as I felt my eyes roll back. I felt the searing pain as he forced himself inside of me his laughter echoing.

How long had I been here? The hours seemed to blur together the pain made me wish I had blacked back out again. Cold so cold, how much blood had I lost? Footsteps again they were different, I couldn't even call out. What was the point? " _Well Well Princess it seems like you got yourself into a dangerous position it's too bad your mother my stupid daughter has no concern for you I almost hate to do this, Cyrus it seems like my bitch of a daughter refuses to play with us Kill The Princess!"_

Duthcie? Hands grabbed me lifting me up I tried to spit in their face but I was shoved into a wall hit on my neck, pain made my knees go weak I heard a female voice one that was too young to belong to my grandmum say " _This is for my dad Princess"_ I felt her grab me why did I know her voice? She sounded different colder. " _Please don't hurt me whatever it is I will do it, how ever much you want my family will pay"_ Laughter so dark it made my skin crawl. " _You disgust me bitch you always think it's about money don't you, well it's not this time Eleanor this time it's about revenge"_ I was thrown to the ground pain over taking me unable to move. " _I trusted you I thought you were my friend, you told me you wanted to help me, you lies, you never gave a damn about me"_ her foot connected with my stomach " _Well since you offered money Princess I don't mind if I do take whatever I can from you"_ Another voice damn how many were there? They kicked me hit me for hours taunting me with slurs about my sexuality about my family.

Than he was back again lifting me up I was beyond caring at this point the pain making me convulse _"We're going on a perfect trip Princess so lets make you up darling"_


	15. Chapter 15

**Amanda**

" _NYPD!"_ Our shots echoed as we slammed into the warehouse which looked to be on the brink of collapse. " _Damn it we're too late!"_ Liv screamed in frustration, slamming her fist into the wall, my heart broke for her. Going over to her I wrapped my arms around her, turning to me she threw herself into my arms. I held her for a minute as the rest of the team searched the building. " _Will find her Lieutenant I promise, we're the best out there, we're all invested don't give up hope when you do that hate wins, hate can never win"_

She smiled at me kissing me when she was sure no one was around. " _We have someone!"_ Fin's yell had us sprinting across the building guns drawn. Liv shoving me behind her which annoys me, even though I know she does it because she cares. There's so much we have to talk about but no time this case is keeping us focused on it. By the time we got there Fin had a woman handcuffed reading her the Miranda rights.

" _What's your name?"_

" _You won't get anything out of me I want a lawyer"_


End file.
